To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture