You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Mornin
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan