i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.