When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
New menu item
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house