Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Just ordered me some pizza!
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.