Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving