You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I ate everything, including the H.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-