In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Meme Monday.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
(Gaming support cat.)