Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
i actually laughed 😩
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people