I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You Might Also Like
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.