“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
#polloftheday
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse