*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.