Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
plums roundup
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.