On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You Might Also Like
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older