Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Respect
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The struggle is real
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.