I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”