The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The struggle is real.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh