[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them