My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Never let them know your next move 😂
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The honesty is refreshing
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.