Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.