-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
checking out some reviews of my local library
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer