yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
a god among men
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me