Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Extremely relatable.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.