Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I support this random dude and all his protests
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.