the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.