Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
(by @ZachWeiner )
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.