Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
meow
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?