*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.