Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
hmm conte-me mais
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
So glad we cleared that up
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days