My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Guys, I found it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”