Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
spicy snake
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.