ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
as is their right
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea