trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.