When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You Might Also Like
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My wife gives the best headache.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I don’t hate children, just yours.
starting a garage orchestra
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “