my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
when nothing goes right… go left
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.