Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.