I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON