We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Just me?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.