I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Spring cleaning checklist…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”