*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs