If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[shakes fist at other fist]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own