It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
You Might Also Like
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen