POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
You Might Also Like
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Bruh PLEASE
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?