Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
BRAKING NEWS!!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m not lazy
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please