“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks