The little toadstool has spoken.
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats