“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?