Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know