FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.