no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Fight
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost